I became afraid. Some of those fears were valid, but some have done little more than hold me back from accomplishing what I knew I wanted to devote my life to. I lost myself on the sand around the fire the summer of my seventeenth birthday, listening to those so much older and worldweary talk about the inconsequentialities of existence, and art; now I see myself off in the distance. I look older than I remember, but I'm pretty sure it's me I'm looking at.
I think I'll go to the beach tomorrow. Don't expect I'll start a fire, as there are signs posted prohibiting such an action, and I'm mostly law-abiding. Mind you, by the charred wood here and there, it's obvious the rule hasn't been strictly adhered to. Maybe some late afternoon, a dusk fire. Might even be worth the fine, if it comes to that. (Though I expect my husband would think otherwise. He recalls the graffiti on the fence back in Texas.)
If I could, I'd run off and join the circus, but I've committed myself here so I suppose I'll just have to go to the beach in the meantime and wait for the circus train to roll into town. I hope there's a parade. It would be an ethical circus, of course, no rigged games at the carnival and the animals and the workers all happy and content.
Yes, the circus would be nice, but the beach is only ten minutes away, just past the thrift store and yesterday was payday. And I came into a few dollars of my own this week, for moving some boxes around, so I'm feeling flush. I'll see if there's anything interesting since the last time I rifled through the shelves and racks and listened to the ladies chatter kindly to the customers, and offer them free bread. They're sweet, and helpful, and unfailingly polite. Ladies, definitely. And then I'll pick myself up something for a little picnic and go play in the sand, take way too many pictures of fascinating waves, drag home some driftwood for the firepit or to lean up against the shed with the others leaning there.
And then it will be time to welcome the girls home from school and make supper and get my husband off to work and then go paint or do some yardwork, it's been good weather for both those activities lately. It's Spring.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I knew, when I was seventeen, what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but I got busy with other things.
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2 comments:
to me this look like the obtainable holy grail of good living---balanced all the way around. i read it and i feel hopeful, seeing it can be worked out. too easy to forget. and when the circus comes, it'll be a collective and cooperative affair, everyone doing everything and sharing equally in work and play so that lines are blurred and theres no distinction/competition between the two- and that includes what would normally be considered the audience. I think i shall call it the Cacophony Circus Participatory Extravaganza. have fun at the beach. (good photo too)
t's cool and drizzly. not that I couldn't still go and enjoy it but when it's like this I'd just as soon stay home. monday's supposed to be eighty degrees (!!) so I know where I'll be then, at least in the morning before it gets too hot, or at sunset, maybe I'll take the girls for a beach picnic. I need some "cool mom" points as I'm on the brink of instituting a new policy on allowance and purchases. I expect revolt.
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