Tuesday, June 17, 2008

several days during which I've seen the sun, and nights lit by the moon and other incandescences.


candles, solar lanterns, the light of my ipod. or my camera, used as a flashlight to find something or other the other night, to the amazement of my girls. oh yes, I said, I use it all the time as a flashlight. they thought it was quite sensible. I've used the ipod light to take pictures by, and taken pictures of the ipod by candlelight; I don't discriminate between analog and digital, or maybe I do. maybe I use discriminate in the way I've always (well. not always, but you know, in my remembered history) thought of it, as a bad thing, as a preferring of one over the other.

but - and here I'm not entirely clear - I think it may (might) just mean to be aware of the differences between. which is not necessarily a bad thing, is it? compare and contrast, that old familiar question on all those long ago tests and essays, all that late night early morning coffee, and no word processors then, handwritten words and then typed on an (ooh!) electronic typewriter, with a magic erasing ribbon, or that awkward flaking tape, or the bad/good smelling liquid paper. and the cutting and pasting with scissors and glue, papers stuck together in long accordions of thought, the patterns, the paths, becoming evident.

my daughters, the little ones, had their last days of grade one and grade two today. the fierce youngest one was edgy all day and fell asleep like a light turning off, the way she does, and the older one cried in the dark, and cuddled against me sobbing at how she loved her teacher and wanted to stay in second grade forever. how she'd never forget her. how she was worried she would forget her when she was in sixth grade, sixth grade being so far and so grown up away. and the new teacher, would she be mean? all this gently eased out of her and none of it hushed away.

yes they hurt, the changes, and that's okay. and no it won't always hurt this bad, and that's okay too. and then the unspoken words, the unnecessary ones grieving the utter failure, no matter how strong the instinct, at being able to ever take the bitter cup away, no amount of motherlove strong enough to have dominion there. rocking, though, and arms like a nest to be safe in again. small comforts.

6 comments:

Pauline said...

how right - we can never take the bitter cup away nor should we. But oh, those arms that hold us... it's what we need.

shara said...

nor should we, I was thinking about that today. I suppose it's dishonest, isn't it, and as much as I can I am honest with myself and with other people. it's difficult sometimes. I'm a good liar. and I can believe a good story as well as tell one. of course there are times when I doubt everything. but thank goodness those times don't seem to be as bad or at least don't last so long. and it seems I move further ahead every time I get through one. I learn more easily lately, at least I believe so. I can feel it, like a machine moving. my brain's stretching. but then it gets stuck and I lose the sense of pattern and (not exactly the right word but it'll do) of purpose again. oh well. it's an interesting life, even if it's often interior only, most of my best lines go by unnoticed but that's fine. I amuse myself sometimes, chortling at my own cleverness or lack of it.

Lydia said...

If you haven't done this already- buy each of them a notebook. Put their class pictures in it and have them write a note about what they loved about the year. Then tell them that some things will fade away- but the important things will stay with them forever.

shara said...

thank you lydia, it's a very good suggestion. I've got so many school-related pictures and papers I could do a scrapbook for them if I was a little (ha. a lot) more organized. but I like the idea of them doing something small like this themselves even better.

Unknown said...

learning to comfort oneself is no small thing...whatever the means...and the internal life is immensely satisfying for me. More real or at least as real as the external one that gets all the attention.

shara said...

mikaelah, the internal and external lives, oh there's a fine discussion just waiting.

not much for computer lately. painting. writing, making little books to throw or give away, or put away for later, for my girls.

gathering myself, possibly, for some kind of leap. we'll see how it goes.